All My Ex's Gave Me Hexes

I'm in a devilish mood this morning. I thought I'd write about my ultimate ex...as in ex-wife. In her defense, it's my fault (mostly) that she's become the raving mad hyena/barracuda woman she is today. Mostly, because she was already kind of scary when we were first together. She didn't turn violent until she became pregnant with out son. To this day, no man has ever hit me as hard as she did. I scared her accidentally while she was digging something out from under the bathroom sink and she came out from under there and landed a vicious upper cut that lifted me off the floor. Not bad for a barely five foot lady.

Later, after she became aware of my unwillingness to hit a woman, she really started teeing off on me. She chased me out of our house and I took refuge behind a bunch of drunks standing in front of a bar down the block. They laughed like crazy, seeing that little woman chase my big butt like that. The problem was, THEY weren't women, and I was humiliated....so they all got a horrible beating for laughing at me. Funny thing is, it evoked a general neighborhood wide fear of my ex. I guess they thought any man who could beat down five guys in ferocious fashion would run away from an irate looking micro-woman; said woman HAD to be mucho bad news.

I took several beatings from her. I bled more times than I care to recount. As I said before, it was mostly my fault. I would rile her up by using a high, scratchy sounding voice to mock her and she finally came unglued. It's amazing I ever told people I left because she had issues.....truth be told, I left because I thought she would beat my backside so bad one day, I'd end up in a wheel chair or a pine box. Just goes to show you, gents: You need to keep your spouses happy at all costs. Don't hit them. If you do, you'll regret it. If they hit you, run like hell, or call the police. It's funny when THEY get arrested and, better still, you get to watch a little TV without interruption.

Da Bitch Be Crazy!

You've probably experienced this yourselves. You meet a woman you find very attractive, sparks fly, and, suddenly, you're in a relationship. Then you find out her last residence was a little place known as Hell..... Psycho! Too late, you already slept with her. She probably got you to mutter those three little words at some point during sex, too, BEFORE you found out what a nut she was. Don't worry friend. You are not alone. In fact, I've had way more than my fair share of crazy women of late. This blog is dedicated to all of them.

I guess you could say my biggest problem is laziness when it comes to finding women to date. I use a website having something to do with an abundance of aquatic lifeforms. No. I won't mention the name, but if you haven't figured it out by the clue, get someone else to decipher it for you. Anyway, I am going to write about my worst dating nightmares, except I will change the names and places to keep from getting sued. I hope you find my pain enjoyable.

The Princess.

Ever notice how some women behave as if they were royalty? One of my ex's certainly thought she was of regal birth. I will call her Alice for the sake of the story. As I mentioned earlier, I was being a bit lazy and joined a dating site to find women in my area. Alice responded to my profile and we began talking on the phone later that very day. I should have known something wasn't right straight off as she was sending me text messages while we were talking. Weird. I hate texting, by the way. I think it is the single most idiotic use for a telephone that ever was. Besides that, it's freaking dangerous as hell. Anyhow, she was one heck of a chatter box. That aside, we hit it off famously and set a date for the coming weekend. We went out to Dave and Buster's, had a great time, and called it an evening.

When I got home, I had twenty-three text messages from her complaining that I didn't stay the night with her. I'm old fashioned I guess. I like to take things slow and easy. Apparently, I didn't take it slow enough. We ended up sleeping together...'L' words got exchanged...and, what do you know?, she told me she was pregnant! It was a bit of a shock to me, as all my kids are now grown, but the idea quickly grew on me. I actually started to look forward to it. A few days later, she quit calling me. I left a few messages, but didn't crowd her. A week later, she showed up at my work to take me to lunch. She told me she had some really exciting news and wanted to take me out to celebrate. All I could think of was she was going to have twins or something. Instead, she told me she wasn't pregnant. It bummed me out. Then she told me how relieved she was she wouldn't have to tell her mother she was going to have to marry a "truck driver". ...........Yeah, I was pissed. I told her, "And you never will.", and left.

End of story? Far from it. All the time we were seeing each other, I had kept her away from my house. My room mate is one of the world's biggest horn dogs and no one was safe from his drunken solicitations. Even so, I came home one day to find her black Mercedes parked in front of the mailbox. She wasn't very happy. The moment she stepped out of the car she started shrieking about how no man was ever going to break up with her. I headed straight for the door.
Unfortunately, I didn't make it. She landed in the middle of my back and started slashing my neck apart with her talon-like fingernails. Something vital got nicked and blood started jetting everywhere as I furiously dug my hands into my pockets to keep from touching her. I don't know how the laws work elsewhere, but if you lay a finger on a woman in Texas, even in self defense, YOU, the man, will go to jail. Luckily for me, my neighbor didn't care about that law. He slapped her crazy ass off of me and I managed to get in the house and lock the door before she started trying to kick it down. She was still kicking the door when the police arrived and arrested her. I ended up getting twenty-four stitches and a tetanus shot. Good thing the barracuda didn't bite me, huh?

With wounded pride, I watched the law haul her away. I pressed charges and had her car towed away. It's funny when the law works for you for a change. She tried to patch things up, but I didn't want anything to do with her so she got some of her family to try threatening me. That really didn't help her because I was recording all of my calls at the time. She was made to enter a facility to work on her anger issues. She's still there. I guess she had a lot of anger in her.