All My Ex's Gave Me Hexes

I'm in a devilish mood this morning. I thought I'd write about my ultimate ex...as in ex-wife. In her defense, it's my fault (mostly) that she's become the raving mad hyena/barracuda woman she is today. Mostly, because she was already kind of scary when we were first together. She didn't turn violent until she became pregnant with out son. To this day, no man has ever hit me as hard as she did. I scared her accidentally while she was digging something out from under the bathroom sink and she came out from under there and landed a vicious upper cut that lifted me off the floor. Not bad for a barely five foot lady.

Later, after she became aware of my unwillingness to hit a woman, she really started teeing off on me. She chased me out of our house and I took refuge behind a bunch of drunks standing in front of a bar down the block. They laughed like crazy, seeing that little woman chase my big butt like that. The problem was, THEY weren't women, and I was humiliated....so they all got a horrible beating for laughing at me. Funny thing is, it evoked a general neighborhood wide fear of my ex. I guess they thought any man who could beat down five guys in ferocious fashion would run away from an irate looking micro-woman; said woman HAD to be mucho bad news.

I took several beatings from her. I bled more times than I care to recount. As I said before, it was mostly my fault. I would rile her up by using a high, scratchy sounding voice to mock her and she finally came unglued. It's amazing I ever told people I left because she had issues.....truth be told, I left because I thought she would beat my backside so bad one day, I'd end up in a wheel chair or a pine box. Just goes to show you, gents: You need to keep your spouses happy at all costs. Don't hit them. If you do, you'll regret it. If they hit you, run like hell, or call the police. It's funny when THEY get arrested and, better still, you get to watch a little TV without interruption.